PARISH BULLETIN
When You Say Good-Bye to Your Parish
Dominick D. Hankle |  Summer 2009

A parish closing may require parishioners to pass through stages of grief. Understanding them can help pastoral leaders with the transition.

Living in a small town in western Pennsylvania has some wonderful benefits. There’s a rich history of a middle-class work ethic and a set of values reflective of its long history of immigrant workers. We also tend to be a community focused and ready to help our neighbor shovel snow or cut the grass whenever the need arises. When my wife had our second child, the neighbors were wonderful. Balloons were posted on our mailbox with wishes of good will and welcome for our daughter Hannah. However, there is a reality we live with as Catholics in this part of the world that can be painful. Our numbers for both priests and parishioners are shrinking rapidly. Because of that, my bishop and those who help him govern the diocese have had to make some hard decisions. One of those decisions included closing parishes, a decision that was difficult for the leadership to make and for people to accept, but a task that had to be done.

I know we are not unique in this regard. Because of the decline in priests, parishes are being consolidated and closed so the needs of Catholics can be met more efficiently. Most Catholics know in their hearts that to provide for the common good, we must accept these hard realities as part of the cross we bear as Catholics in the 21st century. But it still hurts. It still feels as though someone we love died and left us alone. How do we come to terms with such a difficult reality? I have been a counseling psychologist and a pastoral associate for some time. One thing I understand because of my background is that people can overcome their grief. It takes time and sometimes requires professional interventions, but it can be done by the grace of God. It is my hope that this article will provide some insight for pastoral ministers charged with helping individuals who experience this unique style of grief.

Psychologists have generally agreed that grieving individuals go through four elemental phases. These phases are not limited to dealing with the loss of a loved one; they can be experienced within the context of any emotionally attached loss. That includes parishioners mourning the loss of their parish. People become emotionally attached to their parish because of the many life milestones celebrated there. Some people were baptized, received their first holy Communion, and were confirmed at the parish being closed. They were married there and watched their children grow in faith within the walls of that particular church building. When it goes away, the emotions can be traumatic. Like someone who loses a loved one, they experience the stages of grief. It is important that those charged with their pastoral care help them successfully negotiate these phases and move forward, continuing their walk with Christ.

ACCEPTANCE

The first phase of successfully working through grief requires the individual to accept the loss. Often, people walk around with the idea that the loss is temporary, that one day the parish will reopen, that somehow God will change the situation and things will be as they have been before. This is a coping mechanism for some, but it can become a problem. Time is really the only way this phase works itself out. Intellectually, people can accept that it’s over, but emotionally, the bonds remain. Every Sunday when they drive to another parish for Mass, there is a part of them thinking that perhaps next week will be different. There are ways to help individuals accept the loss. This is where proper pastoral ministry can be helpful.

When a person dies, it is helpful to use traditional rituals such as a funeral Mass, a burial service, and other symbolic means for saying good-bye. This can also be helpful for parishioners of a closed parish. A farewell Mass including the symbolic removal of the parish crucifix, statues, and other important items from the sanctuary is significant in helping the parishioners accept the loss as real. Relocating these items to another location for a period of prayer helps people mourn the loss as well and shows pastoral concern. I recall one parishioner of a closed parish in my diocese telling the story of the last Mass at his parish. The priest asked all the parishioners to come forward and venerate the altar before he made his final veneration at the end of Mass. The procession forward and then out of the church was touching for all the members there. It was described as a very somber and moving moment that gave all those present a chance to say good-bye to something they loved. These rituals are imperative for this first phase of grief.

GETTING THROUGH, NOT OVER

The next phase of grief is working though the pain. At times this pain can include physical symptoms, but more often it involves emotional ache. Not everyone experiences the same intensity of pain, but there is emotional discomfort involved in any loss. Anything that blocks or limits the pain can interfere with the required steps to overcome it. Too often individuals grieving the closure of a parish are seen as having something wrong with them. Individuals tasked with helping them become impatient and want them to “just get over it.” The truth is they need to get through it, not over it, and to do so requires them to patiently experience the pain of the loss. In this phase all a pastoral minister can do is be present and be patient with those they care for.

The third phase individuals experience involves adjusting to an environment in which the loss exists. With the loss of a person, this means living in a home where the loved one slept, ate, and watched television. With a parish, it means knowing your next Christmas is going to be somewhere that does not feel like home right now, that adoration of the Eucharist is in a chapel you have not frequented, and that you will most likely be going to confession with a priest you don’t know well in a church you still are not sure about.

These are the external environmental changes, but there are internal changes as well. Most specifically, your sense of who you are changes to some degree. You are no longer a parishioner of Saint Albert’s, now you belong to Blessed Sacrament Cathedral. Your social relationships are reconfigured. There are spiritual elements involved too: individuals ask themselves the question, “Why and how could God let this happen to his church?” There is a long history of these types of lamentations; our Jewish predecessors went through this with every exile they experienced. One can gain great solace from reading about their longings and sufferings in the Scriptures as part of this phase of grief. Ultimately this phase is the turning point for individuals. Acceptance assists them through the pain and now life begins to take on a different look. Gradually, they become accustomed to life in a new parish and the new roles and relationships they forge start to become normalized. This allows the last phase of grief to work itself out.

MOVING ON

Last, and most important, people will emotionally relocate the loss and move on with life. People are often afraid of this phase because if it is approached too early they believe they have betrayed their previous loyalties. Parishioners in this phase have come to a point where they can memorialize the past in a special way. I have seen this done exceptionally well by some parishes. One parish made plans so that after its closing certain items from the church were moved into the new parish. These items held a prominent place in the new parish, thus memorializing the closed parish’s history. Another way to do this is to provide the parishioners of the closing parish with a memorial book showing its history, its different ministries, and photos demonstrating the unique charisms of the parish.

These phases are important for individuals to experience so they can move on and live a full Catholic life at a time when the loss of one home seems to be the end of the Catholic Church itself. People charged with the pastoral care of others can play a strong role in assisting in the healing process. The decision to close particular parishes is not made easily, and the healing required to move through this process is not easy and takes time. Accepting the loss, allowing the pain to be experienced, adjusting to a new environment, and memorializing the past are necessary steps for individuals grieving the loss of their parish. These are difficult times in many ways for Catholics, but we are blessed with the promise of Christ himself in knowing that the church will be with us through the end of time, and ultimately that church is the body of Christ himself found in word, sacrament, and believers no matter where they assemble.

Dominick D. Hankle, Ph.D., has been a pastoral minister for ten years and is a counseling psychologist. He is the founder of the Center for Human Growth and Development in Greensburg, Penn.